The Importance of EQ: managing your own emotions & those of others.

I want you to go down memory lane and think about the BEST person you’ve ever met in any capacity – work, relationships, school-: Someone you interacted with for a significant amount of time enough to see how they treated you. 

Do you have them in mind already? Great! How did they make you feel? Or how did you feel when you were around them? I’m assuming the words range between appreciated, loved, cared for, valued, wanted, and other wonderful feelings. 

Now let’s cross the bridge to the other dark side. Think of the WORST person you’ve ever met and think of how they made you feel. I bet this is a memory you didn’t want us to bring up – my intention is not to harm you or bring up any past trauma. Let’s circle back to the bad feelings…. did that person make you feel insignificant, lazy, unwanted, crazy, unloved, unworthy? 

The purpose of bringing up both scenarios is for you to see how people show up EMOTIONALLY to others which is how Emotionally Intelligent they are. If the same questions were posed to people who know you, where would you fall? Food for thought.

The science of emotions

Neuroscience defines emotions as intricate reactions the body has to stimuli. A part of our brain is called the emotional brain and its function is to cause quick and automated responses to events around us. It helps us determine whether someone/something is safe or not which results in our fight or flight reaction. 

If we perceive a threat, our hearts start beating faster, blood pressure rises and we have short breaths – this emotional reaction happens unconsciously and instantly which may result in feelings of nervousness or anxiety. Our feelings happen when our brain registers emotional reactions or changes. 

Emotions are very important to how we function as a whole. They impact how we make decisions, behave and perform. How you feel determines how productive or unproductive you are. Name every emotion from the time you woke up to now. Make the connection between your emotions and how you performed or behaved. 

Positive emotions such as love, joy, pride, peace, hope, pride, and gratitude increase our dopamine levels which makes us more interested in activities and learning. They also make us more creative and open to new ideas. Negative emotions limit and weaken our thinking capacities which makes us biased, lose interest or our ability to think rationally.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Simply put, Emotional Intelligence (EI) also called Emotional Quotient (EQ) is how smart you are with perceiving, understanding, and managing your own emotions and those of others.

There are a few models of EI but I have found the Genos Model of Emotional Intelligence to be the most comprehensive one. It consists of a set of skills mainly; 

  • Self-awareness – recognizing how you feel and how it affects your behavior, decisions, thoughts, and performance. You know who you are; strengths and weaknesses.
  • Awareness of others – you perceive, recognize, and understand other people’s emotions, concerns, and feelings. Also called empathy – putting yourself in their shoes.
  • Authenticity – you stay true to yourself and express exactly how you feel without fear. You don’t dismiss your or anyone’s emotions and you genuinely care about them.
  • Emotional Reasoning – you use the information you have gathered from yourself and others to make appropriate decisions.
  • Self- Management – you handle your mood, emotions, time, and behavior in the best ways and you seek to improve your emotional state.
  • Positive influence – you leave an impact on other people by how you manage your emotions through accepting feedback, solving problems, and recognizing and supporting the people around you. 

The Importance of Emotional Intelligence

You may be the most intelligent person in the room or your place of work but without Emotional Intelligence, the chances of you being completely fulfilled in life may be low. We are emotional beings and everything always comes back to relationships; with ourselves and others and EI is at the core of relationships. 

EI brings the balance you need because it helps you cater to all aspects of your being. If you become CEO of a company based on merit, you will need EI skills to manage people and the stressors the position brings. 

Emotional Intelligence matters because:

  • Your productivity greatly improves at school or work. EI adds to your wow factor of performance. You are a cut above the rest if you can easily manage the technical aspects of your work/school and the relational aspects. EI helps you be in control of workplace stressors and effortlessly get along with your colleagues, which contributes to career excellence. Research shows that employees with high EI levels display a 20% higher productivity rate than those with low EI levels. The World Economic Forum lists Emotional Intelligence as one of the top ten must-have skills in the workplace today.
  • Your relationships thrive. EI gives you an understanding of your and other people’s emotions so it becomes easy to build and maintain relationships. With EI, you make people feel heard and seen which gives you leverage with them. When people know that you’re not dismissive of their emotions, they easily trust you. You also become a better communicator of how you feel which not only makes your relationships stronger but also long-lasting.
  • Your mental health improves. Your mental health heavily relies on your Emotional Intelligence. If you’re not in control of your emotions, you can develop mental health issues like stress, anxiety, and depression which may make your everyday life more difficult. A lack of awareness of other people’s feelings can result in weak relationships which may leave you isolated and lonely. Without EI, you lack the right social skills to get along with people and you can find yourself on the losing end because you don’t inspire performance in others – all of which can affect your self-esteem and identity.
  • You are in good physical health. We have a mind-body connection which means whatever goes on in our emotional brain affects our bodies and vice-versa. If stress builds up because you can’t control your emotions, it will start to show up physically in form of fatigue, restlessness, irritability, high blood pressure, cardiac attacks, and strokes. The more you invest in building your Emotional Intelligence, the better you’re able to avoid and manage stress.
  • You become happier and have more peace. EI helps you cultivate more positive emotions than negative ones which enhances your overall well-being. If you’re happy at work and in your personal life you feel more fulfilled in life. You get more confidence to meet and connect with people because you’re genuinely interested in what they have to say and how you make them feel.

How to build your Emotional Intelligence

  1. Emotional Self-awareness

Map out your emotions and how they affect your life. The key is forming a connection and judgment free-zone within yourself where you aim to understand how you feel. Aim at becoming more conscious of your feelings without burying any of them. You can start by recognizing when you’re experiencing positive and negative feelings. Sit with them – feel, understand and be comfortable with them. How often do you experience certain emotions? What do you do when you experience them? Can you label your emotions? How do they affect your decisions? Practicing Mindfulness is a great way to make you more present with your emotions while accepting them. You can watch videos with guided mindfulness practices for a start.

  1. Emotional Awareness of Others

To have more fulfilling and lasting relationships, we need to be emotionally aware of others which means we are considerate of their thoughts, feelings, and opinions. The easiest way to do this is to train yourself to be truthfully interested in others by being fully present with them and practicing active listening. Think of how you would feel if you were in their shoes and how you’d want them to respond to you. Pick up on non-verbal cues because they communicate how people are feeling just as much as words do. If someone is fidgeting, it could be that they’re nervous or anxious. Think of conflict as a way to come up with solutions for the problem at hand not as a personal attack – this way you can maintain healthy relationships.

  1. Authenticity

Aim at staying as genuine as you can. People connect with honesty and vulnerability in you when they see that you aren’t afraid of your emotions and you own up to them. Openly admit and express both positive and negative emotions keeping in mind when to do it, how to do it, and to whom. Authenticity also involves honoring your commitments and following up with your word; people trust you when you show them that you do what you say.

  1. Emotional Reasoning

Now that you are aware of your and other people’s feelings, you should use what you know to guide your thought process when making decisions. Before you react, ask yourself what the outcome of your emotions will be – use facts and technical information to influence your decisions. What do you already know and can use to emotionally respond in the best way possible? A case in point is with many advertising and marketing materials; they use emotional appeal to sell their ideas and products – they know how to use the emotions of others to get buy-in. Emotional Intelligence makes you more creative and expansive in how you communicate.

  1. Emotional Self-Management

Life is generally not a walk in the park and we’re constantly met by difficulties that upset us and worry us. Learning how to control your emotions will help you manage your stress, behavior, and moods. You should be aware of the things you can control and the ones you can’t. You can control your words, responses, actions, and thoughts. In the heat of the moment, you can try breathing and grounding exercises to help you calm down. A good grounding exercise is the 5-4-3-2-1 method where you name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. A simple breathing exercise is triangular breathing where you breathe in for 3 seconds, hold it in for 3 seconds, and breathe out for 3 seconds until you calm down. Conscious breathing is a powerful tool to help you relax, strengthen and open up your mind and body. Alternatively, you can take time out until you process all your emotions.

  1. Positive Influence

People can read your emotional reactions because they show up in your behavior towards them but you can influence how they perceive you by positively inspiring them. Work towards being someone people love to be around by being pleasant and welcoming. Make it easy for people to relate with you by being more open and by supporting them. Encourage and empower others and be there for them. This may be especially hard for introverts and people with social anxiety but it doesn’t have to be. The call here to is have good energy not to necessarily make friends with everyone. Be good and have pure intentions and people will be drawn to you.

The one thing you should take away

Craig Ferguson is quoted saying:

“Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything.” 

1) Does this need to be said?

2) Does this need to be said by me? 

3) Does this need to be said by me now?”

References